Day Five: A time you thought about ending your own life.
“‘Sometimes, I get this feeling…this feeling to jump off a roof.” "You want to die?" "No. It’s what I feel like all the time, with the things I do. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. It’s like being on the edge of a roof all the time." - Phoebe in Wonderland. This quote pretty much sums up my thoughts on this topic.
I am agnostic, which is more so a view rather than a belief. It basically means that we are never going to be able to know/prove that someone’s claims or religious views are any more relevant than another. So why start war, debate and religious rivalries over a puzzle that can never be solved? Religion is one big contradiction most of the time. I think that it should be each to their own and whatever deity you choose to believe in should remain the concern of yourself and no one else. Furthermore, I will never be able to wrap my head around the idea of dedicating this life for the the next. I choose to live in and for this moment. All this being said, I love learning about religion. Study of religion was one of my favourite subjects at school and I topped my year (I am aware of how lame this is). Although I do not particularly believe in anything, I am still fascinated by the belief systems of others.
- I drink alcohol, but not often and I have never been particularly smashed. - I have tried a cigarette on about 3 occasions, I was really young and me and my cousins were curious. - I have been in the presence of marijuana but never actually smoked the stuff. My views are negative, I’ll just leave it at that.
"At a certain point in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by, you will open your eyes and see yourself for who you are…especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normals. And you will say to yourself, “But I am this person.” And in that statement, that correction, there will be a kind of love.” - Phoebe in Wonderland, amazing movie <3
- I spent 9 hours at the Kelvin Grove QUT library. - I powered through a Creative Processes assignment that I had been avoiding. - I finished another component of my design portfolio. - I saw Brittany and we studied and ate shoestring fries with aioli. - I had a nice chat with the cutest guy, also doing creative industries. - I caught the Beenleigh line home and left my phone on the train :( - I made dinner for the ‘rents. - I attempted to beat up my dad, failed and busted my lip.
Now I am sitting in bed, feeling like an ice cube with a swollen lip and a hot chocolate. Tomorrow I have babysitting 8 - 3 when all I want to do is snuggle up in my bed and rest for at least 2 days. Sorry, rambles over :/
In ten years time I hope to be a little more worldly and established. I have travelled to places in Europe and South America. Seen, smelt, tasted, felt what the world has to offer. I have finally made my way to Scotland to see all the family. I am living in Sydney and working in editorial and design for a large magazine or publishing company. Most importantly I hope to be happy, healthy and surrounded by a lot of lovely people.
Forever single, that is what I have always been. To be honest it doesn’t particularly bother me because I am really friggen good at being alone. I choose quite sparingly and it takes a lot for me to really let someone in. I have had the flirtatious, butterflies, spark fly escapades with boys but never really anything deeper. That doesn’t really bother me either because I don’t think these things have expiration dates. I am not about to get desperate any time soon. You will never find the right guy if you are looking for the wrong reasons. I would love to be in a relationship ^.^ but it will never define me.
Friggen content with life :) Things aren’t amazing and they aren’t in the pits; just rather ordinary which I frankly think is a-okay. My job is a rather shitty one, but the people I work with are lovely. Uni is pretty lame and rather tedious but doing this degree makes me all giddy about my future in Journalism and Design. My friends are absolutely amazing, I love the fact that we only talk about random pointless crap because it means there is no current drama averting our attention. My parents love to yell at me, but they make up for it with epic dinner conversations. Last year was a shitty, shitty year so this year ordinary is just what I needed :)